Hmm:

The mind is so powerful.  

 

I can acknowledge my worth and do things I never even imagined possible one day, and the very next day believe a bunch of lies and start thinking "I can't," and then, in turn, fail to do those same things of which I was capable yesterday.  I want to punch my fear in the face.  It will control me no longer (even and especially when it comes to the thought of me with a professional job)!!

I think something I’m trying to learn right now is the difference between wanting a future job/career where I’m “comfortable,” versus one that I am passionate about.  I do not, for example, just want to accept or search for any given job just because it’ll be “easy” for me, or because I will be more comfortable in it—I think there is so much more to learning and living than being “comfortable.”  I want to get to a place in my mind where I can be comfortable being uncomfortable—when I allow myself to be open to discomfort, I am so much more open to learning (even if that means “failing,” or making mistakes in the process.  I have always feared failing.).

Yet at the same time, I can think of things I am incredibly passionate about that I would love to have as jobs, and I cannot help but wonder: would I love to have those jobs because they would be comfortable for me, or because I am passionate about them?  Perhaps I do not need to distinguish between the two.  With all of this I keep thinking: well, if I started doing this thing I’m passionate about as my job, would I still be passionate about it after awhile?  Maybe I need to stop thinking so much and on so many different levels, and need to just start going for things and jumping in with both feet (something I know will take quite a bit of practice)!

I think that if I am truly going to “fight for people,” something I expressed in an earlier post that I never want to stop doing, I need to recognize that at times, it will be challenging and probably very uncomfortable, but no doubt, very much worth it.  I also need to recognize that “fighting for people” can mean a number of things, and I’m guessing will rarely be cut and dry, or limited to a job setting.  We live in a world that is filled with brokenness.  A friend of mine recently posted a picture that said, “If you are not outraged, you are not paying attention.”  That struck me because I think people, in general, can often fear strong emotions such as outrage, but I think that when appropriately channeled, such emotions can be the difference between doing…and making an impact, and doing nothing.  I have actually largely learned that through this program.  I am surrounded by passionate fighters in the ELPS program who clearly also long to fight for people, and I am humbly grateful for the ways I have been learning through people, even just through their existence.  People tend to have more of an influence than they will ever know, and that is no exception for the people in this grad program. :)
It has been rough for me at times (as I'm sure it has for everyone), but in retrospect, I would not trade anyone or anything I have experienced while in this program.