Humpty Dumpty

sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty together again.

y'know when a vase breaks and you try to mend it somehow...glue it back together, whatever?

I can't help but think:
this whole time I've been trying to put my pieces back together as best I can the way they were before.  Like repairing a broken vase.  or Humpty Dumpty.

shoving,
tugging,
tearing,
reframing...

carefully placing fragile piece after fragile piece back in place to try to resemble someone whole.  preferably resemble the picture/memory I have of myself.
the trouble is: what if I'm not meant to resemble my former self?

you can repair something so it's useable again, but it'll never be the same as it was before.  it'll have a completely different structural integrity.
but you can add things that weren't there before.  like glue. (unfinished, but insightful thought attached to this idea)

I'm not very eloquent most of the time.
I know many brilliant writers.
artists.
thespians.
speakers.
leaders.
the list goes on.

but why is that relevant right now?
perhaps because I keep trying to shove pieces of the talented people I know into my personal broken vase.

I don't want this post to be written with me "seeing the light" and ending on a positive note.
that's always what I'm trying to do.
I want to end with the crap.  the shit.
the verbal guttural garbage that's been stuck for so long.

Humpty Dumpty couldn't be put back together again.
I will not accomplish that either.
maybe before I move on to positivity now, I have to stop and allow myself to mourn that fact.